My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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