we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
