Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
