One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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