I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
