I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
