The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
