You really coming over, don't trick.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
