So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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