I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so let's talk penis.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
