fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
