Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
