I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
