my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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