It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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