He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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