Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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