i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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