Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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