The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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