my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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