i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
