it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
