All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
