ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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