i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
