I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
