she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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