its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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