The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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