and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
