Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
