Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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