NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
