Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
