I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize