Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The uberlube is also flammable
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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