I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She needs sedatives and a leash
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
