i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
