HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
