Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
