I want to have your abortion
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
