I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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