Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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