She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
