my sisters under your porch take her home
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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