man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize