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• (805): View more from California

  someone threw a dead crab at me

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

  (510): View more from California

  YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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• (514): View more from Quebec

  His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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• (312): View more from Illinois

  I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"

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• (336): View more from North Carolina

  MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS

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• (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.

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• (817): View more from Texas

  I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?

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• (334): View more from Alabama

  I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.

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• (913): View more from Kansas

  Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.

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• (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed

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• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it

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