I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
