He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
