Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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