the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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