Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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