I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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