Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
