i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
