i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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