Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Randomize
