How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
