Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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