what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i need to put some appletini on your dick
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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