The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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