I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
