Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
